This is peak garden centre fever weekend in the UK and you know what that means. All of us are at risk of deciding, suddenly, with no warning, that we need to go to a garden centre without delay to buy something (usually unspecified) that will transform our dull patio, beds, lawn, archway etc and, by doing so, cheer us up and take our minds off the (shudder) news.
You think I exaggerate, and maybe so, though just a smidge as Easter is to garden centres what Christmas is to the high street and historically accounts for up to 30 per cent of annual sales. That’s a lot of flower power. Even as you read this, millions of geraniums are being cajoled into looking their best, ready to seduce you into buying them. (I always blame the plant and not the buyer, not least because the buyer is so often me.)
So, if you are going to a garden centre, you need to be prepared. This is where I can help. My own Mission: Improbable was to go to a garden centre and buy only some sunflower seeds. This is my debrief:
The words “garden centre” are, essentially, a lie. There was a time (dark ages) when garden centres sold only stuff for the garden. Now they are Souks R Us with a coffee shop and some greenery attached. Think Lidl’s centre aisle but multiple it by 10 (or more). You can, in addition to your geraniums and novelty flamingo, buy a full dish set, a holiday outfit, a down jacket, art for the lounge, bedside tables, cushions for every room, candles galore, cards, bath bombs, shabby chic everything, food, handbags and (oh yes) a DIY kit for an “Escape Room Adventure”.
Seasonal items come in all sorts of disguises. I breezed past the scarily bright primroses. They are now the plant form of a box of Roses, with their happy little faces in bright jewel colours that require sunglasses to view. But, later, fatigued by having avoided all the other stuff, I found myself mesmerised by a display of egg-related items including an “Egg-Perfect Colour Changing Egg Timer” and an “egg pan” with a fried egg painted on it (why?).
You can’t escape “the route”. Somehow garden centres have got us to agree that we need to travel in a “route”. It’s like Ikea but without the meatballs. I tried to go in the “exit” but was turned back and guided back to the “entrance” with the try-hard primroses. Best to adopt the idea that, like an army training manoeuvre, you are on a mission and can’t engage.
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But also know this: no one is immune. I thought I was but found myself stopping to watch a video about something called a “leg pillow”. It goes between your knees and, for only £19.99, claims to remove back, hip and knee pain during sleep. Thankfully, I came to my senses and made it to the till, clutching only my sunflower seeds. Result.
What has this to do with plants, you may be asking. Exactly my point. The rows of tables with plants, all prepped to look their best, are far harder to resist. The tat is all about the surprise factor. Plants hold a much more serious issue for gardeners. Here are some thoughts:
Know your weaknesses. I no longer allow myself even to look at the clematises because I have done that far too often, usually buying one and bringing it home to sit next to the last clematis, still in a pot, that I bought. I truly believe, when I buy them, that I haven’t done this before.
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Avoid plants in flower. If you see one that is almost in flower, snap it up immediately.
Be picky. Often, if you look through the offerings, you can get two plants in one pot.
Check the roots. I think it is perfectly acceptable to have a look at the roots to see, first, if they exist in any real way or, second, are root-bound.
Buy small and let it grow. The plant will be more stable and last longer.
Don’t miss the sales table. Often you can get something that looks ropey but recovers perfectly. A friend bought a cherry tree that looked dead at Costco for next to nothing. Months later, it came to life and this year is a thing of beauty.
Plant of the week
My favourite sunflower (and the seeds bought on my garden centre mission) is a variety called ‘Claret’, which is chocolate brown with a metallic sheen. It grows to 1.2m-1.8m.
What to book now
The Garden Museum in Southwark, London, is celebrating British Flowers Week by letting floral designers including Arthur Parkinson, Wild at Heart and Leigh Chappell to take over. June 4-8, gardenmuseum.org.uk
